Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in futekioosha's LiveJournal:

Friday, November 10th, 2006
4:49 am	Hopeless I am scatter brained. Easily distracted. I cry at sappy movies. I sing in the shower, while I'm cleaning when I'm happy, when I'm sad and when I'm bored, but I never sing in front of you. I read tons of romance novels, and I'm addicted to fan fiction. I'm self conscious about my body, and I automatically compare myself to every woman I meet. I know that I'm supposed to be extremely intelligent, but most of the time I feel like the "blond" people think I am. I genuinely care about the well-being of others, but sometimes my world becomes so small that I am the only one in it. I can eat the same thing for days on end. I think about you every other minute and it feels so strange to love you and know that you love me, but I'm in love with you and you aren't in love with me. I plan dates for us all the time in my head. I cook you a meal, preparing the dessert, and just spending time with you watching tv or just enjoying each others company. Every time I sing a love song, I'm singing my heart out for you; but you'll never hear it because we are just friends. I'm scared that one of these days you will meet "her" who ever she is, and I won't have you anymore because I know that "she" won't want me in your life, and there probably won't be room for me anyway. I'm frightened that I'm going to end up all alone because I can't see myself with anyone but you. No one can make me smile like you do. When I hear your voice the sky is no longer blue, and the sun no longer gold. The world I see becomes indescribable just because you are there. I'm so in love with you. I've had dreams of our children, and our wedding. I've had dreams where I'm pregnant with your child and craving tomatoes. I pray for your well being every night. You are my best friend. You are a physical representation of my rock. What will I do when I don't have you anymore? I don't want to loose you. I am so proud of you. I tell you everything, but I don't want to tell you how much I love you again, just because I can't stand to hear you tell me you love me too, knowing that you and I can't be. It hurts so bad to hear those words come from your lips because I want them to be so much more. I want them to be our forever. One of us falls in, the other falls out. This dance is so tiresome. On the other hand I need to hear those words from you sometimes it feels like your love is the only validation I have in this life. It's so hard, being in love with my best friend. It's so hard knowing that there was a time you couldn't imagine life with out me by your side. I still can't paint a picture of my future with out you in it. As I sit here and pen this note I'm sure you'll never read, I'm crying and praying that tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow you'll want to be with me again. Tomorrow. The day that never comes. I love you. Current Mood: exhausted (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
1:28 am	Unglued I try so hard to hold things together, to make things right, but what happened when the facade cracks and breaks, and the darkness is brought to light. How can my soul continue when it's shattered and scattered as dust on the wind. How can I pull it together once again. Facing the mirror of a troubled past. Where is my brighter future has it left me for last? I don't understand don't know if this hurt will ever mend, if it took all this time for it to break, how can I be sure that there will ever be the time to make it whole again. Whole, that goal is like the the east touching the west, so close yet so far. Indiscernible at best. There is no word or phrase to describe the hollow in my soul, no remedy no quick fix to wash away the old. The horror and terror that's brought me to this end, unspeakable truths stored within. I'm so afraid that if someone looked at me, and saw what I hide, they would know the hideousness of my life, know that their truth is a lie. So I'll try once again, sing a happy song, pretending that I'm not broken, that flaw is merely an insignificant crack, smile to the world and try not to look back. Current Mood: melancholy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
2:05 am	angels God sent me an angel today because she knows I need a smile. It's weird how the most seemingly insignificant things in life can make such an astounding change on your own personal world. I know it's said that one person cannot change the world. However, I have often found that it's only taken one soul to touch mine and make some aspect of my life do a 180. I try to smile when I make eye contact with people, because I know the profound effect that a strangers smile has had on me. Not all smiles a physical, a cheerful hello, a sincere inquiry of another's well being. Those small things can change lives. In many ways, those small things have changed mine. Current Mood: artistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)